Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mary Beth's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, May 27th, 2006
1:22 am	dating 101... or as I call it, figuring things out the wrong way Pam and I were discussing a disturbing trend at lunch today. We are seeing it over and over again in our female friends, and frankly, we are concerned. Dating and getting engaged to absolutely horrid guys. Now, I am not talking guys who are unattractive, or can't dance, or any other little quirk that can at times be endearing. We are talking about boys who are down right awful. Rude, conceited, controlling, demanding, whiny boys. We just don't get it. Why do these girls find it so necessary to do such things? Case in point, I recently met a friend of mine's boyfriend and immediately got the bad vibe off of him. It just wasn't flowing, his manner of speech, what he said to her. I just couldn't imagine it, dating someone that would treat someone they "love" that way. At times I wonder, do these boys understand the difference between love and great sex? Or do the girls? Every part of me does not understand this. I think there is still that part of me that can't wait to meet someone amazing, someone who lights up when he sees me, someone who will suffer through the occasional girls night if I can handle a boys night, someone who makes me smile. Now, don't at all take me as naive, I understand there are always rough patches, no relationship is perfect, and no guy is going to be exactly what I think I want. But I can at least have high enough standards to find someone who treats me the way I should be treated, respects my ideas and opinions, and, this piece is a clincher in my life, gets the respect of my friends and family. For now, I will sit and wonder if these relationships I see go by me work, if these people really do want to spend the rest of their lives together, and at times, shudder at the thought of their children coming into the world. I can also hope that some of my friends will open their eyes, see what's going on, and look for that someone who will make them feel as special as they really should.... Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: something hippie-ish (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
2:58 pm	growing up Living at home is not going too terribly, however if I had my choice to have my own place again, I definately would have taken it, even if it meant living in the "gas chamber" (otherwise known as my apartment last summer), it would have been more entertaining than being back with my parents. There is something magical there, like even though I'm 22, they can still make me feel like I am 17. I just don't get it. My Dad and I drove to Belleville today to look at apartments and houses, and he basically took over the entire conversation with the realtor, which made me look like I had no clue what was going on. I just feel like I need to start doing things on my own, and if that means I get screwed a bit with prices or deals, so be it, but I have to learn how to do it. I really do love my Dad to death, but some days, he just makes me want to bang my head against a wall..... Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
9:14 am	time after time I have had this week off, and so far, all I have done since Thursday is pack and remind myself that I really am leaving. Not just leaving, but moving home to Webster, looking for a job, and starting that whole part of my life that I was rushing to get to.... Why did I try to run so fast? Why didn't I enjoy it all, the cupcake-smashing, mission impossible in the hall, drunken dancing brilliance of it all. I'm starting to miss people who are still here, and really miss those that I haven't seen in a while. It makes me greatful for the time I've had, and the amazing people who have been there for me over the past four years. The best part is remembering that a good number of these people will still be in my life when I leave and will continue to be some of my absolute best friends. I will miss the random people though, the ones who haven't spent 24 hours a day with me or who have yet to really spend time with me, and I'm sad to say goodbye to them. I think the absolute hardest part is realizing that the college chapter of my life is over. I'll start Grad School next summer, but that will really be on my own, and I'll be one of those "continuing ed" adults at some other campus where no one knows me, where I can't ask what color the rock is today or how long the Starbucks line is. To all of you, thank you for being such an amazing part of my life, and I hope to see you around some time.... Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Wonderwall - Oasis (Comment on this)
Friday, April 7th, 2006
11:48 pm	here I go again.... Lord help me... I volunteered to let the social studies teacher at my school set me up with her son. Details to follow as I get them.... In other news, Pammy comes home next week, which makes me feel better already. It means that this crazy semester is almost over and things can start to calm down. Either that, or they'll get even crazier, which I somewhat guess I am prepared for. I'm starting to find it amusing that the three musketeers are all ending up back in Webster next year, living at home this summer, and starting to get ready to make a giant leap yet again.... Did I miss something, or is it four years ago? :) Three days of intensives and ten days of student teaching left... the Moet is chilling in the fridge already.... Current Mood: excited Current Music: watching what not to wear in my sweats... ha! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
9:14 pm	secrets secrets So, for the past few months I've been telling everyone how excited I am to graduate, to have my own place, to move on with my life. Lies. I'm secretly scared. Forget scared, panic has absolutely set in. There is way way way too much going on, I can't even think about getting a job or paying bills or being on my own. I was on my own this summer, and as nice as it was at time, I like living with other people. It makes my life a little easier to have other people to rely on, who will make sure I get up in the morning and kick me in the ass when I need it. I'm not ready to leave all this, being in a safe place where I know my way around. I hate the akward feeling that comes with confusion, I don't do well with it. I survive on familiarity and comfort, which is probably why I would spend every day in flip flops if I could. I know I should just take a deep breath and dive in, but I just can't. Not yet. I'll let you know if it gets better.... Current Mood: nervous Current Music: watching sex in the city (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
7:41 pm	it's getting close kids... I got my cap and gown today!!! (deep breath) Now only 27 more days of student teaching til graduation! Yea! Current Mood: excited Current Music: watching America's Next Top Model (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
4:22 pm	senior project My brain is about to explode.... Senior Project is due on Friday. God help me. Current Mood: stressed Current Music: John Mayer for some destressing (Comment on this)
Monday, February 13th, 2006
10:20 pm	sometimes, these things can be so true.... Your Birthdate: November 15 You take life as it is, and you find happiness in a variety of things. You tend to be close to family and friends. But it's hard to get into your inner circle. Making the little things wonderful is important to you, and you probably have an inviting home. You seek harmony with others, but occasionally you have a very stubborn streak. Your strength: Your intense optimism Your weakness: You shy away from exploring your talents Your power color: Jade Your power symbol: Flower Your power month: June What Does Your Birth Date Mean? Current Mood: happy Current Music: watching the weather and praying for an ice storm (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 19th, 2006
6:39 pm	I need a lesson in relaxation... Otherwise, I think I may blow a gasket in the next few days.... Too much is coming down too quickly. Last night I got a flat tire and spent and hour in the freezing cold with some of my Steel the Stage compadres waiting for AAA. This is after my car has spent the past week with the maintenance required light on. So, basically I'll be signing over my last paycheck to Honda so my car can drive to Belleville everyday so I can see my 8th graders. Joy. I just need to stop freaking out, I think if I panic any more about this whole graduating/getting a job/growing up business I'll give myself some sort of ulcer, if I haven't already. I just feel like all of a sudden I have to do all these things I've been putting off forever. I keep having people tell me I'm a good teacher and should be successful, but I just don't feel like it. I think it's because I'm so tired and burned out and the thought of teaching those kids 63 more times (yes, my roomie and I are keeping an active count) makes me want to rip out my hair. I'm optimistic that after a weekend of car care, perhaps life will calm down. And hopefully after February rolls in, things will run faster. Either that, or I'm going to need some major therapy once March rolls around.... Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 14th, 2006
10:31 am	Pam and I are starting a club... Guys are assholes. With the exception of dads, brothers, best friends, gay men, or any combination of those descriptors. Thank you and goodnight. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Friday, December 30th, 2005
11:44 pm	so, it's not new years yet, but tomorrow will include champagne.... So here are my words of wisdom for the new year: Do not worry about taking the scenic route on the way towards your destiny. Fate loves when you have great stories to tell when you're old and gray. Here's to even more stories in 2006.... Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: nothing, for once my room is quiet (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
6:49 pm	random tuesday-nightness Christmas is here, and I should be really excited about this coming weekend. However, there is some part of me that is just not pumped about the season. Maybe it's because I pretty much know what I'm getting, but maybe it's because it's just not my favorite holiday. I just feel like the excitement isn't going to come back until I have kids and they get excited, because for now it's pretty boring. I think another part of it is I really really miss my mom, I wish she could be here to see me as an almost grown-up in my senior year and all independent. I know that she is proud of me, especially that I have done things on my own and not spent the past four years following around some guy or living at home, but it still stings that she won't be there to watch me walk across the stage this May. I know that she had big dreams for me and I hope that I'm getting them right, but I still panic sometimes that maybe I'm pulling my life in the complete opposite direction from where I should be going. I guess I should take my own advice and live like I told Emily to. I explained that fate and destiny have a plan for us. We all end up where we are supposed to, but it's up to us how scenic the route we take is. It's also up to us to make decisions, this isn't a ride but more like a random road trip. I guess that at some point in all the chaos of moving and finals and attempting to keep my sanity through first semester, I forgot that a huge part of this next chapter in my life is up to me, so I should stop sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it, and start embracing this life I've built for myself so far. I think it's also been so scary because I'm finding myself starting to think about really finding someone to share my life with. It's not like I'm on a husband hunt, because I think that's the stupidest thing a girl can do, but I'm not opposed to being with someone and actually knowing that we're going somewhere and things are really happening. I've been so afraid of that for so long that it's amazing to think about not freaking out about commitment for once. Maybe I really am growing up.... Current Mood: lazy Current Music: You Can't Always Get What You Want - The Rolling Stones (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 5th, 2005
2:14 pm	another semester done, one more to go.... Well, fall semester is coming to a close, and shockingly I only have one semester left. It's odd, like all of a sudden it's like, welcome to being a grown-up, have fun finding a job. I'm moving my slacker self over to the 400 side which should be an interesting experience. After that it's back to Webster for the summer to live in my parents basement, oh the glamour of it all. But from there, I'll actually be signing a lease and staying somewhere for at least a year. Maybe for once I'll unpack, it would be the first time since moving into the dorms that I would be able to. I've just got too much of a restless spirit, like I've always got to go somewhere, always have to be on the move. For once, I think I need to settle in, relax, and enjoy myself instead of running around like a chicken with my head cut off.... Current Mood: geeky Current Music: Catch My Disease (Live) - Ben Lee (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
10:27 pm	ah-hem Excuse me while I momentarily step on my soap box: So, I was watching the news tonight, as I always do, and they had a story about these parents who are so worried about giving their children the "edge" when they start school that they are putting them in these tutoring classes beginning at the age of two. Yes, that's right, two. Directly after this story was a Target commercial talking about how Target is now supporting educational programs to help children who are homeless to catch up with their peers and give them a safe place to do homework. This is my problem, why do these stupid, stuck up assholes who have more money than they need think that putting their child in tutoring is going to help them in the long run? And why, instead of using their money productively and helping children who really need it, are they wasting it trying to get their two year old to add? Are you serious? Is this truly necessary? I was just in shock, how in the hell can you say that your two year old, who is probably not only going to go to tutoring but will also get to go to whatever little St. Louis private Catholic school you see fit because "they need the better education", not because you're so afraid of facing anything outside of your comfort zone that you think if you expose your child to something other than what you feel comfortable with they'll either die or become some gang member, needs this more than some child who is not only trying to make it through school, but most likely is more concerned with where they're sleeping tonight than what stupid worksheet they have to do for homework tonight. It just frustrates me to no end, if people would just be able to productively use what they have to help others we could seriously help some people. Yes, this is the little Mary sunshine part of the soap box, but it's true... if some people could help we might not break the cycle of poverty for everyone, but we could certainly empower some people. It's like the story of the starfish, you might not be able to save all of them, but the ones you can will certainly appreciate it.... That's the soap box for the evening. Thank you and goodnight. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: watching the news, duh (Comment on this)
Monday, October 31st, 2005
9:09 pm	you know it's time to move when... Is it too much to ask that my roommate and her boyfriend not PDA while I'm on the phone and in the room? Seriously, is it that hard? On a positive note, housing called and as of winter break I will have my own room again, yea! Celebrating tomorrow by going to the West vs. Central basketball game and dinner with Stephy B... oh the exciting life I lead! Current Mood: giddy Current Music: Sugar - Ludacris (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 30th, 2005
9:37 pm	soon to be an old maid... good gravy.... I will be turning 22 in a few weeks, and for the first time in a long time I am seriously pumped about my birthday. I mean, last year was cool with turning 21 and finally getting to go out, but for some reason this child-like excitement about my birthday is coming around. I think the fact that it is finally getting to be fall and the leaves are changing makes me pumped, it's my favorite time of year. Also, the decision on my move should be coming from housing tomorrow which could greatly help my stress levels. I think that being home this weekend was just what I needed, a break to get excited about things to come and ready for this whole growing-up business. Yea! Current Mood: excited Current Music: watching gray's anatomy, the coolest show evah (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
10:12 am	as they say on laguna beach, I'm dunzo.... Seriously, I wanna smack some people sometimes. Yesterday was really stressful since Stephanie was teaching lesson study and we were all freaked out. Luckily it went well so we went out to dinner to celebrate and everything was good. I came home after that to find my roomie and her boyfriend spooning in bed under the covers. This gets me so damn annoyed, I mean, it's my room too and I need to work on stuff and all I have there is the two of them talking about their relationship shit. I'm just done with it, I still don't understand it. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that housing will let me know soon if I can space change, my own room for once, thank goodness. So after being stressed out all day, I had trouble sleeping and weird dreams all night. So, I was less than thrilled for class today and I knew it was a group work day which would make it worse. Little did I know it would become a war almost and we would end with Stephanie getting pissed, me getting up and walking off, and all of us not knowing what to do with ourselves. I just need a break from this whole damn thing. I keep having all these doubts about myself, like do I really want to do this or is it just something I'm good at that everyone told me to be so I am? And of course, in true MB style, I wait til the bottom of the ninth to start figuring out what I really want to do or who I am.... I just think that I need to get out of here. I'm like homesick for Webster for some reason, I miss being where I'm comfortable. I'm tired of dealing with the people here, too many of them have started pushing the wrong buttons. After this weekend and all it's surrounding drama, this was the last thing I needed.... Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Ordinary People - John Legend (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
11:05 pm	can I graduate? Seriously folks, welcome to the center of senioritis.... I have no motivation, however have somehow accumulated tons of stress in the past few weeks. Why am I such a damn doormat half the time, letting everyone use me for whatever they need and not thinking twice about it? I thought I had learned to put my foot down, but apparently the majority of people I know can pick it up. I should be so focused on school, but I find 99% of my time is spent worrying, especially about things like how I'm going to survive next semester when I won't be working at all. Yes, I am rejoicing at a break from tying shoes and providing ice packs, but at the same time, I need the money. And in some odd way, Latchkey has become like my little break in the day when I can sit on a playground and talk with kids and remember what it was like to be eight and have your biggest problem be that you have three sheets of homework instead of the usual one. As one of my favorite quotes from Gray's Anatomy goes, "Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast. Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility." I am so not ready for all of this, the grown-up-ness of it all. On top of it all, my dad is sick, which is forcing me to realize that someday, no matter what I want to believe, my dad will get old and I will have to take care of him just like he's taken care of me. This year is tumultuous, and all I want to do is tell whoever is controlling this thing to stop and give me just a few days to breathe, that's all.... Current Mood: tired Current Music: the fan, my roomie is already asleep.... (Comment on this)
Monday, September 5th, 2005
9:57 pm	my so-called life I've been in a very contemplative mood lately... debating where I want to go and what I want to do. There is this part of me that is so scared to leave her front step that she cannot wait to graduate, move back to Webster and teach there for the rest of her life so she'll be comfortable. There's another part that tells me to take the job in Belleville, because it's good money and I can always fit into a small town again. Okay, so Belleville isn't as small as where I came from, but after six years in Webster even Edwardsville can feel clausterphobic. Then there is the other part, the one that wants to run to the coast and dip her feet in the ocean and see the world. The one that thinks it would be awesome to live abroad and teach or just see where the wind takes her. This is the one that scares me the most, because I worry that if I don't give in and go somewhere I'm going to kick myself for the rest of my life. I know my friends are here, and I know that they will love me no matter where I go, but it's a scary thought of starting all over again. I've done it plenty of times, moving around quite a bit and getting to know people for short bursts of time. But I'm tired and getting older. Moving has lost it's excitement and now all I want in my life is some stability. I think that a few years on the road will give me that, but hopefully afterward I will feel ready to settle down wherever the wind takes me. And hopefully, after my nutty gypsy-teacher phase is over, my friends will take me back with open arms and welcome me back to the world I know.... Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Lilo and Stitch with my roomie and her boyfriend (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 13th, 2005
10:47 pm	how I spent my summer vacation.... And now, in true teacher form, I give you the list of the weirdness that was my summer vacation... It all started with moving out on my own, a big step in the direction of my own life and being self-suffcient. I am still shocked and amazed that I made it this whole summer on my own... Took the ceramics class from hell. Decided GPA be damned and do what I gotta do. Felt damn good about putting my foot down... Summer camp. Kick ass crew in five and six, a fun summer with a lot of stories I will never forget. Crazy kids that made me want to rip my hair out. Flip-flop tan lines that I know will never fade. Always a good time... Family beach trip #1: Ocean Isle, North Carolina. Included many drunken quotes from my grandma, including the infamous "This conversation makes me need another drink." when I tried to explain "fo shizzle" to her. Flashed all of Ocean Isle on accident when a wave hit me a little too hard. Decided next summer to buy a one piece... Family beach trip #2: Went to Tampa, which resulted in the weirdest sunburn ever and drunken dancing on the bar at Coyote Ugly with the bartenders pouring shots in my mouth and two guys from Equador buying me drinks all night despite the fact no one in my family speaks Spanish. Photos to come, I promise... Speaking of drunkness, drinking with my all my friends.... Too many stories, most of which I do not remember. The state of Iowa falling in love with Pam and I. Getting my cheek licked twice on the Landing (what the hell is so appealing about my cheek?!). Drinking with Miranda on a Sunday afternoon post-church then wandering through Wal-Mart tipsy trying to explain to the woman what a Bedazzler is. Good times, good times... Having my jaw expand like a balloon. Freaked out the receptionist at my doctor's office. However, got to enjoy Pammy truly smashed on her birthday including the GRE-vocabulary lecture about needing to "slut-it-up" while at the White Castle after watching Jason Mraz sing live at Vintage Vinyl. Amazing... And now, I will finish out the summer in stride, panicking about not packing in time, freaking out over my impending first day of teaching eighth grade, and attempting to finish out the summer with a bang. And I now wait with anticipation for this fall, which will bring new opportunities and lots more stories. Until then, here's to the last week of summer and what it may bring.... Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: watching SNL (Comment on this)